The Dream Drug

I have been bottling up my feelings lately. And these are bad, negative emotions of which originate from work.

Emotions that I can’t let out because I cannot upset any of the people that upsets me. So, what choice do I have? The only thing that can help me alleviate the tensions in my brain is instrumental music.

Of late, I’ve also been having dreams that make me happy. I enjoy those dreams so much that I don’t want to wake up. It fills me with endorphins (you know, the feel-good hormones). I wonder do these dreams have any relations to my daily upsets?

One example was yesterday. Early in the morning, I was doing work using the company website. Updating and changing stuff in it. It was so confusing until I snapped. Not at anyone though. I was just so angry because I couldn’t figure it out. Then few other things start to pop out from nowhere. It adds to the anger and instantly I reached for my headphone and listened to this one instrumental song that have a trance effect on me.

As hours passed, I feel much better, although not entirely good. And the drive back wasn’t good at all. I left my specs in the office and it started to rain. So, again I was angry for being careless yet very afraid of the slippery road and heavy rain.

I stopped at a hypermarket to take cash, but the rain was still pouring and I stayed in the car anyhow. I finally arrived home at 10pm and stuff myself for dinner. I went to bed and I started dreaming about being friends with this guy. Everything he does in that dream pleases me to the bone. And when I do leave him for a while, he keeps coming after me and still able to make me smile.

And then I have to wake up. Back to reality and I felt really good. It’s either my strongest desire is to have a guy friend who makes me comfortable and happy or the good feelings I felt in the dream represents the negative feelings I experience and the guy represents stress and work which will keep coming after me and make me unhappy.

A dream so good that you want to keep thinking about it all day. It’s like a drug that keeps you happy. It’s also giving you hope when in reality, you’ve drummed words about being hopeless at finding the One. It’s a good thing. It probably is a good thing, because I never have to see what happens in the end. It stops (or I wake up) in midst of happiness. So, the happiness lingers in me longer than I thought and I hope it lingers long enough to get my next dose of happy dreams.

Or do I have to get so upset and disappointed to get this dream drug?

A tough month

Oh dear.....and they say tis the season to be jolly. I so am gonna have a jolly good time trying to figure out how to survive the rest of the month.

So here's the story. I just moved to a another house. Still within the same district, less noise, further in, quieter neighbourhood, bigger house, cheaper rent.

We were just damn lucky the last tine we rented the previous house as it was a complete - semi - furnished house. The kitchen though small, has cabinets. and was furnished with a fridge. The two-door type. So, naturally, we'd stuff every single thing we could think of into these cabinets and storing food was a breeze as we have ample space for almost anything edible.

But then again, the size of the previous house wasn't up to my par of house standard. Don't blame me for it. Blame my dad. He built a bungalow for my mum and we all lived in it till it was time to sell it.
So there, you could say I've set my standards of living at the tender age of 5. And this bungalow is in JB.

Back to my current situation, we moved into this bigger empty house. How would I know that moving house was going to take a toll on any financial situation? I've only moved rooms, not shifted houses.

I don't know if my mum has a successful rate on getting sympathy from me or is she truly being honest that her finances are flowing like rapids, because of this shift. That or I just couldn't break her heart. So she complained that she needs to cook and puts frozen items in the mini bar for the time being because we have no proper fridge. We also don't have a proper dining set. Now that the house is bloody spacious, we ain't got no choice now do we?

Not only that, she's got me agree to pay up for the house she bought. Her remindful words are along these lines, 'It will be your house, soon after me and your dad are not around anymore. So pay up.'

So there, that's how I got into this unruly mess of trying to survive out of nothing.....To shut her up, I bought the fridge and she bought the dining set. The fridge takes up the larger amount of the sum. What I didn't realize was, my budget also flowed out non-stop.....though now, it has stopped.

And I am left with nothing to stretch the rest of the month with. Except for advance cash. Not again,

The debt cycle starts again......*sighhhh....*

Job Hunt

A friend of mine...oh no that's an overstatement, an acquaintance of mine, is now seeking for a job and naturally he had asked for my help. Becoz I'm in the recruitment industry right now. Any how, I'd rather say I'm not in a recruitment agency which looks for people to fill up spaces for organisations. I only provide the information for interested beings to be hired by the clients that we have. And this guy is in the hotel line. And none of our clients does hotel management. Sorry dude.

A friend of mine said, you want to be in the hotel line, you gotta be mentally ready to work really hard. And he does apparently. And still he has the cheeks to ask if I'd have any internal contact with big hotel chains in KL. Who do you think I am? Contact center for every job imaginable in the world?

Oh yeah, let's not forget. When I said this particular race have no initiative in finding a job on their own, he turned into an aggressive brown bear! He started to bragged that he held the title for being the best staff in his department for 5 months in a row. The 1st time his race ever held in hoteliers history, I think.

So there, you have the credentials of being the best staff in your department 5 months in a row, why are you still needy of the internal contact to get a job at other hotels? It seems that the HR of the hotels he had called up said they have no opening. Pity you then. Not my problem. How could there be no openings at all when I just saw some in the papers. GOD!!!...read up the papers dude! How can you rely on only one source of information?!?!? ish.....best staff 5 months in a row, but you've got your brain in the drain.....Think!! For god's sake, use your head lah....

Haihhhhhhh.....not to mention, he's choosy too......

I'm no more needed

I think I just want to let it out here.

I am at a point where I feel unwanted. By all parties of which I thought could or would relate to me in one way or another. I know I'm not to be the centre of attraction all the time, but then again, I just feel unwanted.

It's like when you try to connect to other people, others just want you to be away from them. You on the other hand, just wants to touch base with them, and they find that annoying.

So, what else have you gotta feel? Still optimistic on how to go about with your life? I am at point where I feel its useless broadcasting about your daily or weekly life on Facebook or any of the social networking thingy. Everyone seems to be occupied with their lives though they share about it on these medias. Yes, I'm on the verge of closing my social networking accounts so that friends, or so they call themselves, won't even bother having me crossing their minds. Yeah, I think it's a good move too.

Since I tend to let it out online, but despise the popularity on facebook, I might as well deactivate it. At the moment, I don't see a point in having one.

There...I think I got it out. I gotta get back to work.

Hope #20934

I think I've posted something about hope in here before.

But I'm not bothered to look for it. So here goes.

The time of the month had just passed and the low esteem days are back. And today is one of it.

Today I dont exactly feel like doing work. Or maybe it's at the moment. But then again, I'm feeling empty. Not that I'm hungry. But I guess I'm focusing too much on this not-so-good vibe that's clouding me. Hence, I'm not feeling happy, nor sad, nor clueless. In short, I'm numb.

I feel like something is missing and I'm waiting for it, literally. And I'm not bothered to busy myself with other stuff while waiting for it.

At times, I think this is what I've been yearning for so long, before. Now that I got my wish, I dont like it.